The four stages behind emotional numbness in men, and the one sentence that starts to undo it
By Mike Gluckman, Co-founder, Path Community
Feeling numb all the time is usually a learned coping pattern. Most men build it over years by parking difficult feelings, until the habit spreads to every feeling, good and bad. Numbness can also sit alongside depression, so if you have lost interest in things and felt low most days for more than two weeks, speak to your GP.
You wait to feel something. Good news lands, an argument happens, your kid scores a goal. Where the reaction should be, there is static. You get on with the day anyway.
What is alexithymia?
Alexithymia is difficulty identifying and describing your own emotions. Psychologists use the term for a recognised trait that sits on a spectrum. Some men have a little of it, some a lot. It overlaps with numbness: when you struggle to name what you feel, the feeling tends to register as a vague flatness or tension. Psychology Today has a clear overview.
How does numbness build up?
Numbness follows a predictable path. It is one part of the wider pattern we see in the stages of men’s personal growth.
- One moment of suppression. Something hard happens and there is no safe place to deal with it. You park it and plan to come back to it later.
- Parking becomes a habit. The next hard thing gets parked too. Over months it becomes a skill you never chose to learn.
- The habit spreads. It reaches the good moments as well. A compliment lands flat. Your child’s birthday moves you less than it used to.
- Numbness. Your system has switched feelings off so often that it struggles to switch them back on.
The pattern made sense when it started. It protected you. The work now is updating it.
What causes it in men?
The common roots are familiar to most men who come to Path Community. A father who handled stress by going quiet. A childhood where showing upset got you laughed at. A job that needed you at full output whatever was happening at home. Each teaches the same lesson: feelings are a risk, so keep them out of sight. Many men then bottle up emotions for years without noticing.
Is feeling numb the same as depression?
Feeling numb and depression overlap, though one can exist without the other. The NHS lists losing interest in things, getting no enjoyment out of life and continuous low mood among the signs of depression. It advises seeing a GP if symptoms last most of the day, every day, for more than two weeks. If you ever feel you might harm yourself, call Samaritans free on 116 123, any time.
How long does numbness last?
Numbness built over years rarely lifts in a week. Most men notice small changes within a few weeks of naming feelings out loud. The first sign is usually a moment that lands harder than expected: a song, a film, something your partner says. That is the system switching back on.
What is the first step?
The first step is smaller than most men expect. Say one true sentence to one other man this week. It can be as plain as “I think I’ve been switched off for a while.”
Said to someone who will neither laugh at you nor try to fix you, that sentence proves something to your system: feeling something in front of another man is safe now. Most men who join Path Community start with exactly that sentence and build from there. If you also feel stretched thin and short-tempered, read the signs of mental load burnout.
Sources
- Psychology Today, Alexithymia
- NHS, Symptoms of depression in adults
- Samaritans, samaritans.org
That is the work inside Path Community. Say the uncomfortable thing. Keep the promise you make. Stand beside the next man doing the same.
Discover more about Path Community, our teachings and events programmes, and how you can get involved HERE.