By Mike Gluckman, Co-founder, Path Community
Most men think arguments get out of hand because of what was said. The research points somewhere else: your heart rate. Once it climbs high enough, you lose the ability to listen, whatever words come next. The fix is knowing what to say at that point, and then knowing what to say when you come back.
What the research found
Relationship researcher John Gottman monitored couples’ heart rates while they argued. He found that once a heart rate goes above roughly 100 beats per minute, a person becomes flooded. In that state you cannot take in what your partner is saying, however hard you try. In Gottman’s studies, around 80 to 85 percent of the partners who shut down and stonewalled were men.
He also found it takes about 20 minutes away from the conflict for the body to settle. Pushing on before then makes things worse.
So the skill is simple to describe. Notice you are flooded. Pause properly. Come back. Here is the wording for each step.
1. When you notice yourself heating up
Watch for the signs: a tight chest, a raised voice, rehearsing your reply while she is still talking, the urge to win. When they show up, say so. Talk about yourself, never about her.
“I can feel myself getting wound up. I want to keep talking about this, but I need twenty minutes first.”
“I’m not hearing you properly right now. Can we stop for half an hour and come back at eight?”
Avoid “You’re getting worked up” or “You need to calm down”. Those land as blame and usually escalate things.
2. When she wants to keep going
She may worry the pause means the conversation is over. Your job is to make it clear it is a break with a return time.
“I’m not walking away from this. I’m stepping out so I can come back and actually listen. I’ll be back at half past.”
Then leave the room calmly. Going silent and staring at your phone reads as stonewalling, even if you meant it as a pause.
3. During the break
This part has no script, because you should not be rehearsing. Gottman’s guidance is to do something that settles your body: a walk, a shower, slow breathing. Replaying the argument or building your case keeps you flooded. If you catch yourself thinking “I don’t have to put up with this”, go back to the walk.
4. When you come back
Come back at the time you said. Start with her side before yours.
“I’m calmer now. Can you tell me again what you were trying to say? I don’t think I heard it properly the first time.”
“Let me check I’ve got this right. You’re saying you feel like you’re carrying most of the evenings on your own. Is that it?”
Only once she agrees you have understood her do you give your view.
5. If it went badly before the pause
Sometimes the pause comes too late and something hurtful has already been said. Repair it directly. Keep it short and keep “but” out of it.
“What I said about your mum was out of order. I’m sorry.”
“I raised my voice. That wasn’t fair on you.”
6. Agreeing the rules in a calm moment
The pause works far better when you have agreed it in advance, on a good day, over a cup of tea.
“When I get wound up in an argument, I stop being able to listen. Can we agree that either of us can call a twenty-minute break, as long as we say when we’re coming back?”
Some couples pick a neutral word or hand signal. It takes the heat out of asking.
Practise it before you need it
Reading the scripts is the easy part. Saying them when your pulse is racing is hard. Most men find it easier after describing the pattern out loud somewhere lower stakes first: what happens in their body, what they usually say, what they want to say instead. If you recognise a wider pattern of pulling away, read why you keep pushing your partner away. If your partner says she can never tell what you are feeling, try our self-check: am I emotionally unavailable?
Sources
- The Gottman Institute, How stress affects relationships
- Greater Good Science Center, How to fight without hurting your relationship (interview with John and Julie Gottman)
Start with discomfort. Follow through with accountability. Stay for the men beside you. That is Path Community.
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